Saturday, July 30, 2016

There Went The Big One Pt. 1

There's always that feeling. 

You know, after a big church conference or something. 

That feeling you get when you pull out of the hotel, wave that last goodbye to your friends, and begin the countdown to when you can text that one girl whose number you got, but have to wait a bit so she doesn't think you're desperate. 

You know that feeling. 

It was good! You couldn't imagine how it could have been better, the preaching was amazing, the fellowship fantastic....but....

It's done. It's over.

The apex has passed and is coming to an abrupt diminuendo. 

You weren't through! You were just getting started and it all ended too quickly. 

But just imagine with me, that instead of the long lonely car ride home, that suddenly you pull around the corner and there, right in the middle of the road, stood a giant tent complete with tables, food, and all of those friends you were already starting to miss. 

You jump out of the car and run over to them, "I thought it was all over??!!"

No, they reassure you. There is going to be one more service, and one more time for everyone to bond over a meal.

You smile to yourself, cause you weren't quite ready for it to be over.

That my friends, was exactly how it felt when the wedding was over.

The knot had been tied, the broom jumped over, but there was still one more activity on the agenda.

The reception: where family and friends come close.

The reception was starting to fill up as Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Avendano dismissed each row.

When the crowd was least expecting it, my Uncle's voice boomed from the corner.

"......Blah.....blah.....blah.......And last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Avendano!!!"

They look kinda happy.

In between being randomly forced to smooch, they began the wedding tradition of cutting the cake, and feeding each other a piece. 

No messes, no furious groom. 

If my future wife is reading this blog post, I propose a truce. 

You don't smash it in my face and I won't smash it in yours.

But you go first just in case :)

I end this post on a somewhat gruesome note.

I found myself wandering into the kitchen and I wasn't prepared for what I came upon.

The wedding cake, that had been alive and thriving in one piece just moments before,


*************Warning for those with smaller children and/or weak constitutions*************

He tried to get me to eat some, but I just couldn't.


This wedding really needs an ethical investigation. That's why I'm here, giving you the inside scoop on what you thought went on at an Avendano wedding.

Until next time.

Au Revoir.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Here Comes The Big One Pt. 9

As Claire took the microphone, the unicorns and butterflies began to float gracefully off the platform,  swirling around the room in wider and wider circles, only stopping when she sang the final line....

"Together at last, 
Together forever.
We're tying the knot, 
We never can sever.

I don't need sunshine now, 
To turn my skies to blue.

I don't need anything but you."

"Dear family and guests, we are gathered here today in the sight of God, to join this man and this woman, in holy matrimony. 

 Not to be entered into lightly, holy matrimony should be entered into solemnly, with reverence and honor. 

Into this holy agreement, these two persons come together to be joined.

Marriage is a sacred union between husband and wife, and shall remain unbroken."


I want to interrupt here long enough for you to go grab your Bibles and a highlighter, and turn to the book of Ephesians.

Bishop, while making his opening remarks to Sam and Vanessa, read a small portion of scripture that I find very important and would like to impact this next generation of women with it. 

Alright. Ephesians 5, verses  22-23.

Follow along with me ladies, as Bishop reads.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body."

Ahhhhh that Apostle Paul. What a card. 

Good stuff. 

Underline those verses ladies. 

You'll need them for a quick reference one day when your husband brings home an injured possum he found on the side of the road and wants to keep it in the garage to nurse it back to health. 

If you have any more interest in training on the subject, my brother Caleb is writing a book called
"Women. Their Rightful Place In The Home."


By this point in the introduction, everyone looked like they were about to start crying so Caleb and I head over to the piano where mics could be found and started our song, during which I was certain that one of us would flub up and provide much needed light-hearted entertainment. 


My fingers and Caleb's voice; our humble tribute to Sam and Vanessa.

Pastor and Bishop administered the pledges and then had them kneel for the prayer.

I  was all ready for them to start smooching but then I remembered that they had to light the unity candle.

From all the horror stories that Bishop had been telling us at the rehearsal dinner, I fully expected something here to go spectacularly wrong.

And back was starting to hurt. I need a good swatch of carpet on fire to stamp out, to stretch my muscles.

Sarah Burton sang "These Are The Special Times", as Sam and Vanessa made their way over to set something on fire to symbolize unity.

Don't ask me why. Doesn't make sense to me either.

Its like burning down a forest to celebrate Smoky the Bear's birthday.



Time is funny.

I have said "It was time" or a variation similar to that, several times during the course of this 9 piece wedding conglomeration of posts.

It was time to start the rehearsal dinner, time to get in place for the wedding to start, time to listen to Bishop's advice.

It was time. It had been time. But it was time again. Not just another time. Not just anytime.

Can I drive this point home any more?







These words will forever echo in infamy.

I quote.

Just as it was on that wedding day, give I now to you.

"For as much as Vanessa and Sam have consented together in holy wedlock, and have witnessed the same before God and this company, and have hereto given and pledged their love to each other, I pronounce that they are husband and wife in the Name of Jesus Christ. 
What God has joined together, never let man put asunder. 

Sam, you may kiss your bride."



It all happened so fast, first the kiss and then Sam spun around and moved in for a round of high-fives from his groomsmen, with a look of utter triumph on his face.

Bro. White let loose with "I've Got The World On A String"


The newly married couple moved from side to side, embracing the family members from either side of the aisle.

The bridal party claimed their partners and we walked into the foyer, following Sam and Vanessa's lead.

It was here in the foyer that yet again that something monumental happened.

While on our way back into the chapel to wait while the couple greeted and dismissed every row, I stopped short to request a picture of just one more kiss.

It was there that I took my favorite pose of the entire day.

 It even deserved a Trump Thumb.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Here Comes The Big One Pt. 8

Everyone in the wedding party knew that something had changed; the atmosphere had shifted. 

No longer was preparation needed. Everything was ready, the guests were getting impatient. 

Those that had slumbered, had finished their slumbering. 

Those that had slept, had finished their sleep. 

It was midnight and the last call had gone out. It was time for the young maidens to rise up and trim their lamps, the Bridegroom was due any minute. 

Like an over-ripe grape, I burst into the Learning Center and announced to everyone,

"It is time! The Beginning of the End is near!"

The whole bridal party (except for Sam) galloped like a herd of rushed gazelles down through the side hallway and into the foyer, where we began to line up with the person we would either be walking with, or escorting in.

We were all ready.

Sis. Davies had been playing the introductory songs on the piano, and moved into the last one as we lined up in the foyer.

Here was my favorite:


Everything Sis. Davies does, she does well. 



Which would have been a good thing except I was supposed to sing the opening song so that the parents and grandparents could be escorted in.

And there I was waiting. 

It evades me as to what exactly alerted me to my oversight, but I was spurred by some fleeting memory and made my way into the sanctuary, up the side aisle, and took my place. 

Finally. Really ready. 

I find it hard enough to sing, much less sing and take pictures, so I apologize for my lack of them at this point. The ones I did manage to get were mostly provided by others.

Sam snuck in the side door with Pastor and Bishop.

There's Sis. Davies and Late Boy, after realizing his mistake. 

The musical notes of "Bind Us Together" floated out as the collection of family floated in to find their seats near the front. 

Mom and Sam
(You can see Caleb to the right of Sam's shoulder, making a last minute wedding pun or something.)

Caleb escorting Grandma Craig.

After the family had been seated, I quickly joined everyone back outside and the wedding party 
began its piece by piece procession up to the platform. 

The Groomsmen with the Maids of Honor, the flower girls...

All the while my cousin Katie and Sis. Davies played a beautiful duet.


So you know, I'm just standing there on the platform. 

Chillin', sandwiched between Sam and Caleb. 

Peering out into the crowd, seeing what single ladies came or didn't come....

When all of a sudden, the music stops and we're blindsided by.....


Those musical notes. 

Although the theme that was being played and is played to announce the bride at most weddings was actually first used in an opera to prelude a doomed couple's marriage, THOSE NOTES HAD POWER.

Much like when the wedding started, the atmosphere shifted again. 

Everybody's attention was directed to the back doors and as they swung open, the crowd stood to their feet in one fluid motion.

Guess who walked through the door.

Nooo, not the Muffin Man.

Sam's Princess.

Next week: The Kiss.

The Smooch.

The moment we were all waiting for.

Admit it. That's why you're still reading this blog.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Here Comes The Big One Pt. 7

Just imagine it's your wedding day.

Imagine that your name is Samuel D. Avendano.

You're nervous. It's your wedding day. You've never done this sort of thing before.

You've spent a good chunk of your life preparing for this day with your bride-to-be, and you know how much it means to her that everything be perfect. 

The candles, the draping, the music... it all needs to be just so.

The only thing that really bothers you, the Samuel Avendano you, is that the success or failure of this whole shebang is not entirely placed upon your shoulders. In fact, the deciding factor of success is mainly based upon all the other people in the wedding. 

It's not about them, but it does depend on them. 

What if the pianist flubs up? What if one of the candles falls over and catches the carpet on fire? What if a soloists starts singing the wrong song? What if someone trips on the way up the stairs to the platform? What if Pastor forgets his notes for the wedding vows? 


These are the kinds of questions that run through your mind, Samuel Avendano. 

And as you come into the classroom that has been designated to be your holding pen until the wedding starts, you breathe a sigh of relief. 

Everyone else is just as concerned about the well being of the wedding as you are.

In fact, your groomsmen are all gathered in front of a giant mirror that has been placed in the middle of the room, probably working on some last minute preparations, something that is vital and pivotal to the day's success. 

Maybe strategizing how to maintain a tripping female in a vertical armlock position. Or maybe how to put out a swatch of carpet that has caught on fire.

You smile inwardly and stride towards them, just in time to hear your best men conversing, 

Jacob: "You think anyone will notice if the tiny back part of my tie is longer than the front part?"
Caleb: "Nah, just don't unbutton your suit coat, no one will see it."

You're in safe hands, Sam. 

C'mon, we had his back. Just making sure we were looking good for the pictures.

Like I already said, we were positioned in the LCA main classroom. 

We alternated between sitting,

...having last minute music practices,


(shoutout to Mom who brought us sandwiches from Jimmy John's to supplement our diet)

...and taking pictures outside.

Doing the TRUMP THUMB! God bless America!

(Mr. Trump, if you should happen to stumble upon this blog while searching your name in Google, please know that I am more than willing to sit down with you and discuss some ideas I have for your foreign policy and/or how far to smithereens we should blow ISIS.)

Claire. She's hilarious and she knows it.

Caleb, and the ladies Lindsey and Maria (who just got engaged herself).

The maidens Lindsey, Maria, and I.

Caleb, el Momito, and myself.

Chloe, Tre, and Claire

Chloe soon figured out how to walk in a really fluffy dress. Not how you see while you walk, but how you walk.


Because there is no more time! The guests will start arriving in mere minutes! Let's check back in on everything and make sure its all ready. 

The Seat of Honor. Check.

The cake. Check.

The stand out front for the guests to sign in. Check.

The information booth photograph. Check.

The cleared middle aisle with lit candles. Check.

Last but not least, the guest book attendant, and the gift attendant. Check. 

Cousins Katie and Beth

 T-mins 20 seconds and counting. 

Third stage S&A armed.

Prop 1 pressurized first stage LOX tanks to relief. 

Hydraulic external power to on.

Report range for launch.....

W-Day, you're a go for launch.


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